The World’s Worst Children Read online

  THE WORLD’S WORST CHILDREN

  Mindy would deliberately fill herself up with food she knew would make her bottom burp. She would devour all of the following in gigantic quantities:

  Baked beans Prune juice Dried figs Porridge Brown sauce Sherbert Turnips Mushy peas Sweetcorn Curried eggs Fizzy pop

  Beetroot Cabbage Lentil soup Radishes Cauliflower cheese Bananas (which have turned black) Raw onions Brussels sprouts Stuffing

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  WINDY MINDY

  At school the teachers would often send Mindy out of lessons for her ‘outbursts’. Mindy would claim it was an accident, but the truth was she did it on purpose.

  Every single time.

  Either the noise would be so disruptive, or the smell so overpowering, that the classroom had to be evacuated. Then off Mindy would be sent to the headmistress’s office, where she would be given a stern ticking-off.

  “Mindy, I am extremely disappointed in you,” announced the headmistress on the particular morning that our story begins. The lady kept the door of her office open as a precaution, just in case the little girl let another one go.

  “Sorry, Headmistress,” said Mindy with a smirk.

  “This is the twelfth time this week a teacher has sent you to my office. And it’s only Tuesday.”

  “I said sorry!”

  THE WORLD’S WORST CHILDREN

  “Sorry isn’t good enough! Today Miss Prism had to send you out of her maths lesson for making ‘a noise like thunder’. Yesterday your poor history teacher, Miss Ping, actually fainted in the classroom at the pong and had to be taken to the sickbay.”

  “I think Ping did the pong,” suggested Mindy with another smirk.

  “It’s Miss Ping and, for your information, in the twenty years she has worked at this school I have never known the fragrant Miss Ping to make a pong. Now what do you have to say for yourself?”

  An evil thought shot across the girl’s mind.

  PPPFFFTTT! came a sound.

  There was a short delay as the pongtastic aroma floated across the room. Finally the dark and dirty SMELL snaked its way up the headmistress’s nostrils. The lady hastily covered her mouth and nose with her handkerchief.

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  WINDY MINDY

  “You wicked child!” she shouted as Windy Mindy stifled a giggle. “Get out! Get out of my office at once!” She shooed the little girl out of the room as quickly as she could. “Shoo! Shoo! SHOO!”

  As Mindy took each step towards the door, she blew a little bottom bubble in the direction of the lady.

  PFT!

  PFT!

  PFT!

  PFT!

  “One more sound out of you and you will be expelled! Do you hear me?

  EXPELLED!”

  bellowed the headmistress and slammed her office door shut.

  BANK!

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  THE WORLD’S WORST CHILDREN

  Mindy stood alone in the corridor once more. Feeling rather pleased with herself, she skipped off, tooting all the way.

  PFT! PFT! PFT! PFT!

  Not wishing to return to her maths lesson, Mindy looked for an empty classroom to hide in until break- time. She slipped into the music room. An array of instruments stood ready to be plucked, played or blown into.

  Unsurprisingly, Mindy was drawn to the wind instruments. The saxophone, the trumpet, the trombone, the tuba all stood glistening on their stands. The biggest of them all was the tuba, and Mindy walked slowly towards it, as if in a trance. The little girl had no musical ability she knew of and when she tried to blow into the instrument, a pathetic rumbling sound came out.

  But just as she was about to give up Mindy had a mischievous thought. She held the end of the tuba behind her behind, blowing wind from her bottom towards the tuba as

  hardasShe could.

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  WINDY MINDY

  A long low note came from the tuba.

  DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…

  Pleasantly surprised at the sound, Mindy tried again.

  Three higher notes this time, in quick succession.

  DEE DAH! DEE DAH! DEE DAH!

  The girl was beginning to get a feel for the instrument now.

  Soon Mindy started putting the notes together in something resembling a tune. It wasn’t a classical masterpiece; rather it had the feel of free-form JAZZ about it.

  DOO DUM DOO DUM DEE DAH DAH DUM!

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  THE WORLD’S WORST CHILDREN

  Delighted at this discovery, Mindy began to whirl round the room with the tuba at her behind. The sound the girl was making by now was nothing short of wondrous.

  DOO DUM DOO DUM DEE DAH DUM DOO

  DUM DOO DAH DUM DEE DAH DEE DUM DAH DUM!!!

  Outside the classroom the elderly music teacher, Mr Tinkle, was passing by. The music stopped him in his tracks. In all his years of teaching, he had never heard a pupil play so superbly. It brought tears to his eyes. When Mr Tinkle opened the door to DAH the music room, so did the smell.

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  WINDY MINDY

  At first the music teacher was horrified at what he saw. One of his beloved instruments being powered by a windy child’s bottom. He was about to shout at Mindy to stop, but the sheer beauty of the music made him pause. As the music soared, so did his heart. This young girl was a musical prodigy. She could become one of the all-time greats, playing huge sell-out concerts all over the world! As for Mr Tinkle, he would be remembered as the humble teacher who discovered a musical superstar.

  “Mindy!” he exclaimed.

  “You are a genius!”

  “It’s just my bottom burping, sir,” replied the little girl.

  “I know. But please keep those beautiful bottom burps coming. The sound they make is magnificent!”

  “If you say so, sir.”

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  That night the music teacher rushed over to Windy Mindy’s house to talk to her long-suffering parents about his master plan. They were delighted that their daughter’s dubious ‘gift’ could at last be put to good use, and even more delighted that it would get her out of the house. Now they wouldn’t have to sit watching television with pegs on their noses.

  The next morning at school, Mr Tinkle presented the girl with a very special present. A shiny new tuba.

  “Now, Mindy,” began Mr Tinkle, “I need you to practise, practise, practise until your bum goes numb!”

  “Yes, sir!”

  “I have booked the greatest music venue in the world to launch your glittering career!

  THE ROYAL ALBERT HALL!”

  PFT! went the girl’s bottom.

  “Was that on purpose?” asked the music teacher.

  “No, sir, just nerves.”

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  WINDY MINDY

  So enthused was Mr Tinkle about his protégée’s talents that he set about inviting the greatest composers and conductors from all over the world to her concert debut. He even invited royalty – the Duke and Duchess of Somewhere or Other.

  Meanwhile Mindy did just as Mr Tinkle said. Every night after school she spent hours in the music room practising on her tuba. There was so much toxic gas in the room that the paint peeled off the walls, much to the delight of the little girl. And her big night was FAST approaching…

  THE WORLD’S WORST CHILDREN

  * * *

  Finally the day came. Windy Mindy was to make her world debut at the ROYAL ALBERT HALL.

  In Mindy’s vast dressing room backstage, there were some last-minute preparations. The little girl was delighted to devour as many of her special windy foods as she possibly could.

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  Porridge

  eggs

  stuffing

  beans

  lentil soup

  and Prune juice

  dried figs

  mushy peas

  cauliflower cheese

  cabbage

  were all mixed together in a giant vat before she
poured them down her throat.

  To ensure that she would have enough wind for the performance, she topped it off with a huge bottle of fizzy pop. Now Mindy’s tummy was bubbling with air.

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  THE WORLD’S WORST CHILDREN

  “Isn’t it great? I think I am going to explode, sir!” she said. “I will have enough wind to play for hours,” she added, before excitedly clambering on to a trampoline. As soon as she started bouncing up and down, she began counting.

  “Three hundred!

  Two hundred and ninety-nine!

  Two hundred and ninety-eight!”

  A tiny

  tommy squeaker

  escaped from Mindy’s

  bottom with every jump.

  BOING! BOING! BOING!

  After bouncing for over an hour, the food and drink in the girl’s tummy had been mixed together nicely, or horribly, depending on how you look at it.

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  WINDY MINDY

  Meanwhile all of the distinguished guests had been seated in the auditorium. Even the Duke and Duchess of Somewhere or Other had come, he in a velvet dinner suit, she in a ball gown with a diamond tiara atop her head.

  The lights dimmed and a spotlight shone on Mr Tinkle as he shuffled on to the huge stage of the ROYAL ALBERT HALL.

  THE WORLD’S WORST CHILDREN

  “Your Royal Highnesses, my lords, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to this very special evening. Tonight I am going to introduce to you my musical discovery. A girl who just one month ago had never played a note of music in her life!”

  There was a gasp from the audience. They could hardly believe their ears.

  “Please! Please!” called Mr Tinkle over murmurs that were growing louder by the moment.

  “You will not be disappointed. This young girl is one of the greatest free-form JAZZ TUBA players of our age.

  No – OF ALL TIME!”

  The audience broke into wild applause. Mr Tinkle smiled and bowed his head before continuing.

  “Ladies and gentlemen, I give you…

  WINDY MINDY!”

  The audience shook their heads in disbelief as the little girl strolled on to the stage. Surely there was some mistake?

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  WINDY MINDY

  This child was far too SMALL

  to be a great tuba player.

  THE WORLD’S WORST CHILDREN

  Mindy smiled and bowed to the audience. As she did so, a little pop-pop pop-popped out of her bottom. Mr Tinkle looked on nervously from the side of the stage. Fortunately, as it was downstage, no one seemed to hear, though one of the backstage workers did faint.

  Next, Mindy turned round and placed the tuba behind her bottom, ready to blow her wind towards it.

  GASP!

  The audience were scandalised. They had never seen anything so rude. And in the ROYAL ALBERT HALL indeed. Which is not just a big hall, but is actually royal!

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  WINDY MINDY

  For a moment it seemed like a riot might break out.

  Mindy looked across to Mr Tinkle, who gestured frantically for the girl to begin.

  So she did.

  Immediately sweet music filled the hall. The audience were shocked into silence. The sound Windy Mindy made was beautiful beyond words. After just a few notes, she had everyone entranced. They were all in the palm of her bottom.

  This was a moment in music history that the world would never forget, Mr Tinkle was sure of it.

  However…

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  THE WORLD’S WORST CHILDREN

  …after all that gassy food and fizzy pop plus, of course, all the bouncing up and down on a trampoline, Mindy’s wind was particularly fierce.

  The smell was so appalling it actually BURNED the nostrils when it went up the nose.

  Needless to say, dear reader, this is the point in the story where things began to go horribly wrong.

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  WINDY MINDY

  Suddenly the music teacher noticed that one by one the rows of audience members were withering like dead flowers. First the front row with the

  Duke and Duchess in it,

  then the second,

  then the third.

  The stink was hitting them like a tidal wave.

  THE WORLD’S WORST CHILDREN

  As Mindy played on, she forced more and more gas out of her bottom. In no time at all, the entire audience had passed out.

  Mr Tinkle rushed on to the stage to make Mindy stop, but the wall of smell floored him in an instant, and he fell off the stage and plunged into a piano in the orchestra pit.

  CLANG!

  WINDY MINDY

  Suddenly Mindy realised that, as much as she WANTED to, she just

  COULDN’T STOP BLOWING OFF.

  Up until today she had always enjoyed being able to deliver her trumps to order.

  But now her bottom was buzzing way out of control

  Nothing could HOLD the gas back

  and her bubbly tummy was EXPANDING at an alarming rate

  Her bottom was about to go

  NUCLEAR!

  There was an eerie silence for a few seconds before…

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  Mindy shot so much air out of her behind so unbelievably fast that she actually took off like a rocket.

  WHOOSH!

  The gas propelled her and her tuba up, up, up into the air, and she smashed through the domed roof of the ROYAL ALBERT HALL.

  CRASH!

  Mindy zoomed up through the starlit sky at lightning speed, heading straight for OUTER SPACE.

  WHIZZ!

  WINDY MINDY

  Up there on an International Space Station, the astronauts on board reported hearing some rather impressive free-form JAZZ. Thinking it might be alien life attempting to make contact, they put on their space suits and rushed outside, only to find themselves gazing open-mouthed in shock at…

  a little girl hurtlin g past

  with a tuba behind her behind,

  and a look of terrible panic on her face.

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  THE WORLD’S WORST CHILDREN

  That was the very last sighting of Windy Mindy.

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  WINDY MINDY

  So what is the moral of this tale, I hear you ask?

  It’s that there is absolutely nothing funny about breaking wind. Which is why I would never write a story about it.

  BAN THE BOTTOM BURP!

  Earnest

  ERNEST

  SOUR FACE

  SERIOUS HAIRCUT

  BEYOND-BORING CLOTHES

  Earnest

  ERNEST

  EARNEST ERNEST HAD MADE IT to twelve years old without once cracking a smile. The boy loved to be deadly serious all of the time. He was far too pompous to involve himself in anything that might be considered ‘FUN’. Joy and laughter were strangers to him. He never watched cartoons or played games or went to birthday parties.

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  EARNEST ERNEST

  The other children in school would try to include him, but the boy chose to spend all his time alone, immersed in some incredibly boring hobbies.

  Ernest had an unrivalled collection of pencil-sharpenings

  and on weekends he would photograph traffic lights, then stick the pictures in a series of scrapbooks labelled Traffic Lights 1–217. However, Ernest’s most