The World’s Worst Children Read online

  THE WORLD’S WORST CHILDREN

  “BUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRP!!!!!!!!!”

  burped the monster. Grubby Gertrude had paid the ultimate price for her grubbiness. A monster made from the girl’s own muck had devoured her.

  So, next time a grown-up tells you to TIDY YOUR ROOM, just DO IT. Or this may happen to you…

  MY EYES ARE WATERING AT THE SMELL!

  BRIAN WONG,

  WHO WAS NEVER,

  EVER Wrong

  BIG HEAD IN WHICH TO STORE BIG BRAIN

  SUPER-MAGNIFYING GLASSES

  SMUG GRIN

  THREE MILLION AND FIFTY …

  245 X 34567.7 – 231.65 = …

  … 100234.56 – 345.789 = …

  … ELEVEN TRILLION, TWO HUNDRED …

  BRIAN WONG,

  WHO WAS NEVER,

  EVER Wrong

  MANY YEARS AGO there lived a boy named Brian Wong. Wong was a total and utter swot. Not only was he the swottiest swot who ever swotted, he had to be right about EVERYTHING. “Brian Wong is never, ever wrong!” he would exclaim, much to the annoyance of everyone around him.

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  BRIAN WONG, WHO WAS NEVER, EVER WRONG

  The boy’s favourite subject was mathematics. His favourite pastime was working out what looked like impossible sums and equations. Even if he didn’t have any maths homework to do, Wong would set himself some.

  *

  These he did with ease. All Wong’s evenings,weekends and holidays would be spent working out hundreds of answers to incredibly complicated equations.

  Equations that would leave even his cleverest teachers scratching their heads.

  As a result of all this maths, maths, maths and yet more maths, Brian rarely saw daylight and was a rather pale child. And working out equations until long into the night had weakened his eyesight, so he wore wire-framed glasses with lenses so thick that they magnified his eyes to the size of tennis balls.

  *The answer is pi, obviously.

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  THE WORLD’S WORST CHILDREN

  So as you can see, Wong prided himself on being a mathematical genius and cleverer than everyone around him. Every single answer Wong would get right. Despite this, what the boy most feared was the thought that one day he might be proved wrong.

  This is the story of THAT DAY.

  It was a Monday morning and Brian was at school in his favourite lesson, maths.

  BRIAN WONG, WHO WAS NEVER, EVER WRONG

  As he stood at the front of the classroom, the old maths teacher, Mr Shrewdly, addressed his pupils. “One thing you must always remember, boys and girls, is that numbers are INFINITE.”

  “What does ‘infinite’ mean, sir?” asked a girl at the back.

  Brian Wong, who was sitting right at the front of the class, tutted loudly. “Tut, tut, tut.” The boy tutted anyone he considered not as clever as him, which was everyone.

  “That is a good question,” replied the teacher, giving Wong a stern sideways glance. “Because you can always add one to any number, they go on forever.

  They are therefore INFINITE.”

  The children all looked around at each other, attempting to grasp this idea.

  “Now, I want you to think of the biggest number you can,” continued the teacher.

  Lots of eager little hands shot up.

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  THE WORLD’S WORST CHILDREN

  “A million!” said one boy.

  “A billion!” shouted another – Nitin Singh

  “A trillion!” called out Kenneth Chan.

  “A trillion trillion trillion!” announced Francis Françoise behind him, in a triumphant tone. Surely no one could think of a bigger number than that.

  The teacher was most amused by his pupils’ efforts.

  “Ha ha! Very good, children. Very good. But can anyone top a trillion trillion trillion?”

  Wong thought for a moment.

  “A trillion trillion trillion and ONE.”

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  BRIAN WONG, WHO WAS NEVER, EVER WRONG

  “Good answer, Wong!” announced Mr Shrewdly as the class groaned in annoyance. The swot had struck again! “Now can anyone top a trillion trillion trillion and one?”

  “I can,” replied Brian. “A trillion trillion trillion and TWO.”

  “A trillion trillion trillion and two. Indeed. Now can anyone TOP that?” asked the teacher.

  “I can,” replied Wong. “A trillion trillion trillion and THREE.”

  “Yes, yes, well done, thank you, Wong. So, moving on, the point I am trying to make is…”

  “A trillion trillion trillion and FOUR.”

  “Yes, that’s quite enough now, Wong!” The normally mild-mannered teacher was becoming irritated.

  “A trillion trillion trillion and—”

  “PLEASE BE QUIET,WONG!”

  shouted Mr Shrewdly.

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  THE WORLD’S WORST CHILDREN

  Silence descended on the classroom.

  “Thank you.” The teacher was shocked by his own outburst, but quickly gathered his thoughts. “As I was about to say, this shows you that numbers are endless because you can always add one. Therefore, try as you might, no one can EVER count to INFINITY.

  Not EVEN you, Brian Wong!”

  There was a pause for a moment as the class took this in. Wong looked at the teacher, his goggly glasses enlarging his eyes to the size of cymbals.

  The boy blinked and announced, “I can.”

  All the other children in the class laughed.

  “Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!”

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  BRIAN WONG, WHO WAS NEVER, EVER WRONG

  “Settle down, please!” Mr Shrewdly tried to quieten them before turning back to Brian. “This may be the first time in your life you’ve heard this, but… you are WRONG, Wong.”

  “Brian Wong is never, ever wrong,” replied the boy with great certainty.

  Mr Shrewdly shook his head and said, “This time Brian Wong is very WRONG. No one can count to infinity. Not any of the great thinkers of the world. No one. Not even YOU.”

  Wong had never been wrong in his life and he was not going to start now.

  This was the moment he began his doomed mission. A mission that would change the course of his life forever.

  “Brian Wong is never, ever wrong,” insisted the boy. “I am a genius and therefore I can count to infinity. I can, I can, I CAN.”

  “Go on then!” shouted Chan from the back of the class.

  “YES!” joined in the other pupils.

  Even the normally sensible Mr Shrewdly felt inclined to egg the swot on. By now they all wanted the same thing: to prove Wong WRONG.

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  THE WORLD’S WORST CHILDREN

  5

  10

  37

  2

  “We are waiting!” announced the teacher, with a wink to the rest of the class.

  8

  4

  Wong briefly cleared his throat and then began. “ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX…”

  There were gales of laughter from the other children in the class.

  “Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!”

  Wong really was going to try to count to infinity. Just so he wouldn’t be proved wrong!

  10

  “SEVEN, EIGHT, NINE,TEN, ELEVEN…” continued Wong.

  The class could not believe he was really going through with it.

  “TWO HUNDRED AND SEVENTY-THREE, TWO HUNDRED AND SEVENTY-FOUR, TWO HUNDRED AND SEVENTY-FIVE…”

  On and on went Wong until the bell clanged for the end of the lesson.

  R R R I I I N N N G G G!!!

  “Thank you very much, Wong! You can stop now,” announced Mr Shrewdly with a chuckle.

  TWO HUNDRED AND SEVENTY-FOUR… …TWO HUNDRED AND SEVENTY-FIVE…

  273

  100

  163

  BRIAN WONG, WHO WAS NEVER, EVER WRONG

  11

  14

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  But the teacher UNDERESTIMATED Wong. This was a matter of pride for the boy. He was NOT going to stop until he reached infinity.

  65

  “TWO HUNDRED AND SEVENTY-SIX, TWO HUNDRED AND SEVENTY-SEVEN, TWO HUNDRED AND SEVENTY-EIGHT…”

  Brian strode out of the classroom, still counting, as Mr Shrewdly shook his head in FIFTY disbelief. How long would Wong keep this up?

  THREE HUNDRED AND FIFTY-NINE…

  FOUR HUNDRED AND EIGHTY… …FIVE HUNDRED AND FORTY-TWO…

  36

  108

  27

  34

  18

  280

  The boy counted all the way through break-time, then through some more lessons (even including PE), then through Y-N lunchtime, then through some more lessons before the bell clanged one last time for the end of the school day.

  R R R I I I N N N G G G ! ! !

  SIX HUNDRED AND NINETY-NINE…

  9

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  THE WORLD’S WORST CHILDREN

  As Wong marched out of the school gates, he carried on counting. By this time, he had reached the high thousands.

  “NINE THOUSAND, SEVEN HUNDRED AND THIRTY-SIX, NINE THOUSAND, SEVEN HUNDRED AND THIRTY-SEVEN.”

  As the other boys laughed at Wong at the bus stop, Chan felt a pang of guilt.

  He tapped his classmate on the shoulder and said, “Come on, Wong. Let’s get an ice cream. This is stupid.”

  A furious look crossed Wong’s face.

  “YOU HAVE MADE ME LOSE COUNT!” he raged.

  “Now I have to go back to the beginning again.”

  “But Wong—!”

  “ONE TWO THREE…”

  BRIAN WONG, WHO WAS NEVER, EVER WRONG

  When he returned home, Wong counted all through his dinner…

  ONE THOUSAND, ONE HUNDRED AND TWELVE…

  THIRTY THOUSAND, SIX HUNDRED AND NINE…

  …THIRTY THOUSAND, SIX HUNDRED AND TEN…

  and bath-time.

  When he went to bed, he wrote down the last number he had counted on a piece of paper. 48,392

  That way he could start again as soon as he woke up with 48,393. Which he did.

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  THE WORLD’S WORST CHILDREN

  All through the next day and the next day and the next, Brian Wong counted and counted and counted.

  Soon he had reached the millions and, after a couple of years, the billions.

  When he reached a trillion, he felt it was too late to stop now, so he carried on into the zillions.

  …TWO ZILLION, SIX HUNDRED AND THREE…

  …ONE ZILLION, TWO THOUSAND, THREE HUNDRED AND ONE…

  BRIAN WONG, WHO WAS NEVER, EVER WRONG

  People from surrounding villages and towns would often come to watch Wong’s never-ending task.

  They called him ‘Counting Boy’, but in time they had to change that to ‘Counting Man’ as he grew older.

  ONE ZILLION, SIX HUNDRED AND THREE… …THREE ZILLION, TWO THOUSAND, THREE HUNDRED…

  …FIVE ZILLION, ONE THOUSAND, ONE…

  THE WORLD’S WORST CHILDREN

  His hair was turning grey, he had to put even thicker lenses in his glasses so now his eyes were the size of footballs, but still Wong would not be proved wrong. He was going to count to infinity if it was the last thing he did.

  Even when his maths teacher, Mr Shrewdly, died of old age at 103, Wong refused to stop.

  NINE GAZILLION, SEVEN HUNDRED AND EIGHTY ZILLION, FORTY TRILLION, THREE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY BILLION, NINETY-TWO MILLION, FOUR HUNDRED THOUSAND, FIVE HUNDRED AND TWO…

  The numbers were becoming quite a mouthful.

  As time passed, Wong himself became an old man. He had been counting NON-STOP for sixty years.

  0 2 3 5 8

  He had a long flowing beard the length of an elephant’s trunk.

  1 8 0 9

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  BRIAN WONG, WHO WAS NEVER, EVER WRONG

  Yet still he kept counting, counting, counting. As long as he kept counting, Wong thought, he could not be proved WRONG.

  ELEVEN GAZILLION, NINE HUNDRED AND NINETY ZILLION, ONE THOUSAND, ONE HUNDRED AND SIXTY MILLION, SIX HUNDRED AND THREE…

  0 4 7 1 9 2 6 8

  9 4 8 3

  6 0 4 1

  8 1 5 4 3 6 2

  THE WORLD’S WORST CHILDREN

  Finally, one night Brian Wong was lying on his deathbed. He was now 111 years old, and life was slipping away from him.

  Yet he was still counting, counting, counting, hoping that somehow the next number might just be INFINITY, though it never, ever was.

  TWELVE GAZILLION ZILLION TRILLION BILLION MILLION AND THREE…

  TWELVE GAZILLION ZILLION TRILLION BILLION MILLION AND FOUR…

  His old classmate Kenneth Chan came to visit him one last time. Wong was fading fast.

  Chan perched on the edge of Wong’s bed and said, “You don’t have long left, my friend. Perhaps it is time to stop counting and enjoy the last few moments of life you have left?”

  Wong looked Chan straight in the eye, an expression of extreme annoyance on his face.

  BRIAN WONG, WHO WAS NEVER, EVER WRONG

  “You stupid fool!

  You made me lose count again!

  Now I have to start back at the beginning!”

  “WONG, NO!”

  pleaded Chan.

  “ONE

  TWO,

  THREE…”

  Wong began.

  Of course Brian Wong never did reach INFINITY. However, just as he could not prove that the number INFINITY existed, no one else could prove that it didn’t.

  Wong died with a smile on his face…

  THE WORLD’S WORST CHILDREN

  He had wasted his entire life counting, but what was much more important to him was that he had not been proved WRONG.

  On his gravestone it read:

  HERE LIES BRIAN WONG, WHO WAS NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER WRONG. (ESPECIALLY NOT ABOUT THE WHOLE COUNTING TO INFINITY THING.)

  NOW I CAN’T STOP COUNTING! GRRRR!

  Windy

  MINDY

  WICKED GRIN

  TUMMY FULL OF GAS

  BOTTOM BURP

  Windy

  MINDY

  ONCE UPON A TIME there was a little girl who was known as Windy Mindy.

  Way back when she was a baby, Mindy discovered she had the most awful talent for breaking wind. Bubble bombs, thurps, TOILET TUNES, putt-putts, UNDER-BURPS, trouser toots, BLURTS, bench-warmers ,LITTLE TOMMY SQUEAKERS, HONKERS, bottom yodels, call them what you will, Mindy would delight in letting them rip.

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  WINDY MINDY

  The little girl was so good at trumping, she could compete in it for her country.*

  Mindy’s wind took on many different shapes and sizes. The little girl could do SILENT ones, LOUD ones, DEAFENING ones, long ones, SHORT ones, ones that went rat-tat-tat like a machine gun and even explosive ones.

  Mindy’s was a talent that appalled everyone unfortunate enough to be near her. But the little girl was full of mischief and absolutely loved the chaos her wind caused. There would be STAMPEDES in supermarkets, CHARGES in churches and PANDEMONIUM in patisseries.

  People would often be trampled underfoot as they tried to escape the smell.

  *If there was an international competition that awarded medals for particularly loud or smelly trumps which, at the time of this book going to print, there sadly is not.