The World’s Worst Children Read online

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  THE WORLD’S WORST CHILDREN

  “What do you want?” cried Tina tearfully. “I am not playing ‘it’!”

  “I want your nits!” replied the boy.

  “My nits? You are nuts!” yelled the girl.

  “Yes, I am NUTS for nits!” said Nigel.

  The boy tripped over a skateboard and flew through the air towards her.

  CLONK!

  Their heads bashed and, in an instant,

  Tina’s nits crawled over to Nigel’s head…

  A little dazed, the boy was nonetheless happy. Now Mr Henderson had some company.

  The next day Nigel heard of a boy in school who had nits: Colin Clont. Nigel wanted those nits so badly. So he chased Colin down the corridor and cornered him in the toilets.

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  NIGEL NIT-BOY

  The trembling boy locked himself in a cubicle, but Nigel would not give up. He climbed over the top of the next cubicle and dangled upside down from the ceiling. Nigel’s and Colin’s heads knocked together.

  Once again the nits sprang across to Nigel’s head BONK!

  Even the school cat was not safe from Nigel’s advances. When Nigel was told that Minky the cat also had nits, he pursued the poor creature across the football field. Once he had caught the cat, he Sellotaped it to his head. It looked like a very unconvincing wig.

  Still, one by one the cat’s nits bounded on to Nigel’s head.

  Soon Nigel had so many nits that even his nits had nits. He stopped counting them at amillion and three.

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  THE WORLD’S WORST CHILDREN

  Now you may be wondering why Nigel wanted a headful of nits. Please let me explain. Ever since he was a toddler, Nigel had spent his days reading comics. The boy was short for his age (if you don’t count the wild bush of hair on top of his head) and he wanted to be strong and POWERFUL like the characters in his comics. However, Nigel had had a very normal upbringing. He’d not been lucky enough to have been bitten by a RADIOACTIVE SPIDER, or come from a VIKING PLANET, or fallen down a well of BATS.

  Besides, he found superheroes a bit boring. They were always doing good. The SUPERVILLAINS were so much more thrilling. Before long, naughty Nigel had a plan.

  One morning as the boy was standing in the bathroom cleaning his teeth, he looked at himself in the mirror. His hair was now not so much a bush, more of a hedgerow. Nigel could not remember the last time he had either cut or combed it.

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  Buzzing in and out of this hedgerow of hair were billions of nits, forming a dark cloud around him.

  “The day has finally come. My nit-based superpower is ready! From this day on the world will know me only as…

  NIT-BOY!”

  Best of all, the name hadn’t already been taken.

  So now that Nigel had all his nits, he went about getting a costume made. Fortunately, the boy’s Auntie Pat was quite good at sewing and put together a SUPERVILLAIN costume for her nephew in no time.

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  Nigel wore…

  a cape fashioned from one of his mum’s skirts

  the NB logo for ‘Nit-Boy’ sewn by Auntie Pat

  his nana’s tights

  his dad’s old Y-fronts

  Wellington boots

  Nigel had his superpower.

  He had his name.

  His costume was on.

  He was NIT-BOY!

  At once he began his SUPERVILLAINY.

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  NIGEL NIT-BOY

  The next morning he strode into school, his cape flapping in the wind. First, Nigel vowed to get revenge

  on his geography teacher, Mr Drumhum. Nigel found geography boring and spent most of his lessons reading comic books. Mr Drumhum had given the boy detention after detention. Now NIT-BOY stood at the door to the classroom. Initially there were hoots of laughter from the other children. What with his costume and shrubland of hair, the would-be SUPERVILLAIN did look quite a sight. “HA HA HA!”

  However, the laughter turned to silent awe as NIT-BOY called out his first command. “NITS! SWARM!”

  The billions of nits that were whirling round his head formed a black mass next to him.

  “Nigel, what on earth do you think you are doing?” demanded Mr Drumhum.

  “NITS! ATTACK!”

  shouted the boy.

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  THE WORLD’S WORST CHILDREN

  They swarmed the geography teacher, nipping him all over with their tiny nit claws.

  “Argh!” screamed Mr Drumhum as he raced out of the classroom.

  All his pupils pressed their faces up against the windows to watch their teacher.

  The man was trying desperately to fend off the nits. He was hopping and and slapping himself as

  he sped across the playing field towards the school pond. Mr Drumhum then leaped in with a giant

  SPLOSH!

  He finally had some relief from the nit nips. Though now he was submerged in green water with a fat frog sitting on his head. NIT-BOY smiled to himself. This was going to be fun.

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  NIGEL NIT-BOY

  Next he marched across the playground to the dining hall. The dinner lady, Mrs Droop, was something of a dragon. Boiled broccoli was her signature dish. Whatever you chose, even jam roly-poly and custard, Mrs Droop would spoon heaps of her green watery mush on top. Then she would stalk up and down the dining tables, twirling her ladle like a baton, threatening to rap the knuckles of anyone who didn’t eat up every last mouthful.

  Nigel hated broccoli. If Superman feared Kryptonite, NIT-BOY was terrified of broccoli. Now he was to have his revenge on the woman who had made him eat a mountain of it.

  “Nigel…” she purred as he strode in. “Why have you got your pants on over your trousers?

  Ha ha ha!”

  Mrs Droop’s smile was wiped off her face as soon as NIT-BOY shouted out his next command.

  “NITS!

  TO THE BROCCOLI!”

  THE WORLD’S WORST CHILDREN

  “I am not having your blasted head lice messing with my delicious broccoli!” protested the dinner lady.

  Too late. The nits had swarmed into a whirling tornado. Mrs Droop stood open-mouthed in shock as this twisting vortex spun over to her precious trays of broccoli. Then the tornado started firing the damp, limp vegetable straight at Mrs Droop.

  SPLAT!

  SPLAT!

  SPLAT!

  Soggy floret after soggy floret splattered across the woman’s face until Mrs Droop was a damp, green, vegetably mess.

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  NIGEL NIT-BOY

  Now NIT-BOY was ready to have his revenge on his headmaster. The elderly Mr Sourchops had suspended Nigel from school after his tenth detention for reading comic books in lessons. The headmaster was a small and timid man, so NIT-BOY thought he would frighten him. Nigel stood in the playground just below the window of the headmaster’s office. He closed his eyes in concentration.

  “NITS! SHAPE-SHIFT!” he ordered.

  Slowly the tiny insects swarmed together into the shape of a giant supernit. They were able to read their master’s mind. As the boy kept his eyes tightly shut, a look of intense concentration on his face, the giant nit-shape surged upwards to the headmaster’s window. It banged on the glass with its huge claw.

  CLUNK

  CLUNK

  CLUNK!

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  THE WORLD’S WORST CHILDREN

  Mr Sourchops swivelled round in his chair and shrieked.

  “Nooooooooo!”

  The giant nit bashed its great head against the window, breaking the glass. CRACK!

  “HELP!” screamed the headmaster as he dashed out of his office. Running into the playground, Mr Sourchops spotted a wheelie bin.

  Checking behind himself all the time for the giant supernit, the little old man pushed the bin as hard as he could before leaping into it as it was speeding away.

  Finally NIT-BOY opened his eyes and watched in glee as his hea
dmaster trundled across the playground in the bin.

  NIGEL NIT-BOY

  It bashed into a low wall… CLANG!

  …sending the little old man flying through the air straight into a tree trunk.

  CLUNK!

  The nits swarmed back to their master’s head as Nigel strode out of the school gates.

  There was plenty more SUPERVILLAINY to be done.

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  THE WORLD’S WORST CHILDREN

  Not long after, NIT-BOY arrived in the market square, which was teeming with bargain-hunters. Using his nits Nigel spelled out the letters of a very rude word in the sky.

  One old lady was so shocked she fainted at the sight.

  Next NIT-BOY turned his attention to the local toyshop. The SUPERVILLAIN ordered his nits to steal every single item in the store, including the till.

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  NIGEL NIT-BOY

  The shop owner chased the boy down the street, but he was whacked over the head by the nits with one of his own giant teddy bears.

  Yet there was still more chaos and destruction to come.

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  THE WORLD’S WORST CHILDREN

  Suddenly lights flashed and a siren wailed. The police had been sent to stop Nigel from creating further mayhem. But NIT-BOY ordered his nits to attack the police car and they swarmed on to its windscreen. The glass became so thick with nits that the policeman crashed straight into the window of an optician’s.

  OPTICIAN

  NOW YOU CAN SEE WHERE YOU ARE GOING?

  SMASH!

  Nothing could stop NIT-BOY now. He felt invincible. Soon the whole world would kneel before him.

  ALL HAIL, NIT-BOY!

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  NIGEL NIT-BOY

  Later that night, Nigel had put on his pyjamas and was lying in bed. Even SUPERVILLAINS need their sleep. The boy was dreaming up the next day’s evil schemes.

  However, outside in the street stood a throng of townsfolk, armed not with flaming torches and pitchforks, as is the tradition with angry mobs, but with an array of combs. NIT-BOY had to be robbed of his powers. And there was only one way to do that.

  They began to chant,

  “COMB HIS HAIR!

  COMB HIS HAIR!”

  THE WORLD’S WORST CHILDREN

  The chant became louder and louder as the mob grew angrier and angrier.

  Nigel leaped from his bed and peeked out of his window. Looking down, he saw more and more people rushing out of their houses to join the horde.

  In a swirling whirl of nits, Nigel changed out of his pyjamas to become… NIT-BOY!

  He marched outside and approached the mob. With his Wellington boots on and his cape (which was really one of his mum’s old skirts) flapping in the wind, NIT-BOY felt ready to take on the world.

  His millions of nits had now multiplied into billions or maybe even trillions.*

  They buzzed round the boy’s head, blacking out the scattering of stars in the night sky.

  * It would be hard to give you an exact number because nits won’t stay still, making counting them IMPOSSIBLE.

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  NIGEL NIT-BOY

  “THERE HE IS!” shouted someone.

  “IT’S NIT-BOY!”

  “GET HIM!”

  The mob surged forwards, brandishing their combs. The old lady who had fainted in the market square was holding a large bottle of anti-nit shampoo called Nit-Blitz. On the label it said:

  The sworn enemy of the NIT! This HIGHLY TOXIC and foul-smelling shampoo is poisonous to all known nits. It is GUARANTEED to kill nits until they are totally and utterly COMPLETELY DEAD

  Unable to contain her anger a moment longer, the old lady hurled the bottle at Nigel. It bounced off his hair and hit her on the head, knocking her out cold.

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  THE WORLD’S WORST CHILDREN

  The boy still stood his ground. Once again he commanded his nits.

  “NITS! LIFT!”

  The nits swooped downwards to create a hoverboard under their master’s feet. Then they lifted him off the ground with laughable ease.

  The crowd gasped in shock. This SUPERVILLAIN could actually fly!

  NIGEL NIT-BOY

  The boy zoomed through the night sky, performing an impressive

  loop the loop, before hovering over the mob.

  “NOW GO BACK TO YOUR HOMES OR YOU WILL FEEL THE FULL FORCE OF NIT-BOY! ”

  The townsfolk began muttering to each other dejectedly. They knew they were beaten, yet still no one moved.

  “DISPERSE!” NIT-BOY ordered the crowd.

  But his nits must have thought he was talking to them. Nits are not known for their intelligence. As far as I know, no nit has performed brain surgery or been involved in rocket science. So the nits…

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  … DISPERSED.

  Led by Mr Henderson,

  they all buzzed off in different directions,

  disappearing

  into the sky.

  NIT-BOY looked down at the people below.

  He gulped as he began to plummet downwards. He tumbled through the air, desperately flapping his arms.

  “HELP!”

  NIGEL NIT-BOY

  The crowd surged out of the way, and Nigel landed headfirst on the pavement. Fortunately, such was the volume of hair on his head that he survived the fall without injury.

  “GRAB HIM!” shouted someone.

  Nigel was carted off to the local hairdresser’s where his hair was washed with

  Nit-Blitz shampoo and he was given a very sensible short back and sides.

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  THE WORLD’S WORST CHILDREN

  All remaining nits or nit eggs were combed out of Nigel’s hair and he had to make a promise in front of the whole town.

  “I solemnly swear never, ever to become NIT-BOY again.”

  You might be surprised to learn that, even though he was one of the world’s worst children, Nigel kept his promise. NIT-BOY was never seen again.

  However, some time later Nigel came up with another SUPERVILLAIN to be.

  From now on he would be known as…

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  NIGEL NIT-BOY

  VERRUCA-BOY ! *

  A SUPERVILLAIN who refused to wear a plastic sock at the swimming pool, thereby unleashing a plague of verrucas on the world.

  And the best part was that Nigel could reuse the cape that was really his mum’s old skirt.

  VERRUCAS ARE NO LAUGHING MATTER!

  * Again, fortunately the name had not already been taken.

  Miss PETULA Perpetual- Motion

  MISCHIEVOUS GLINT IN HER EYE

  FLAILING ARMS

  Spinning legs

  Miss PETULA

  Perpetual-Motion

  THIS IS THE STORY OF A GIRL who would not sit still. Miss Petula Perpetual-Motion was forever in motion. Whether she was in a lesson, in church or even playing Musical Statues, some part of her would always be moving. It might be her foot, or her arm, or even her entire body.

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  MISS PETULA PERPETUAL-MOTION

  It would start with

  a little wiggle, then

  become a waggle,

  before turning

  into a jiggle and

  progressing to a JOGGLE.

  Next she would be cartwheeling across the room, creating pandemonium wherever she went.