Megamonster Read online

  Copyright

  First published in Great Britain by HarperCollins Children’s Books in 2021

  Published in this ebook edition in 2021

  HarperCollins Children’s Books is a division of HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd,

  HarperCollinsPublishers

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  London SE1 9GF

  www.harpercollins.co.uk

  HarperCollinsPublishers

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  Dublin 4, Ireland

  Text copyright © David Walliams 2021

  Illustrations copyright © Tony Ross 2021

  Cover lettering of author’s name copyright © Quentin Blake 2010

  Cover design copyright © HarperCollinsPublishers 2021

  David Walliams and Tony Ross assert the moral right to be identified as the author and illustrator of the work respectively.

  A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

  All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this ebook onscreen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins.

  Source ISBN: 9780008487591

  Ebook Edition © June 2021 ISBN: 9780008499730

  Version: 2021-06-16

  For my darling Alfred.

  Thank you for giving this book its title.

  I love you endlessly.

  Daddy x

  CONTENTS

  COVER

  TITLE PAGE

  COPYRIGHT

  DEDICATION

  THANK-YOUS

  PROLOGUE

  PART ONE: INTO THE DARKNESS

  Chapter 1 LARKER

  Chapter 2 THE LAST LAUGH

  Chapter 3 CIRCLING FINS

  Chapter 4 THE CRUEL SCHOOL

  Chapter 5 MEDDLE

  Chapter 6 SQUAWK!

  Chapter 7 STEWED COCKROACHES

  Chapter 8 UNSPEAKABLE CRIMES

  Chapter 9 SPOD

  Chapter 10 DIGITS

  Chapter 11 WRONG WITH A CAPITAL “R”

  Chapter 12 GIBBER GABBER

  Chapter 13 GING-GANG-GOOLIFIED!

  Chapter 14 AVALANCHE!

  Chapter 15 THE LIBRARY OF DOOM

  Chapter 16 THE EXPLODING BOY

  PART TWO: THE SECRETS BELOW

  Chapter 17 A BISCUIT EMERGENCY

  Chapter 18 DOCTOR DOKTUR

  Chapter 19 DUNKING DISASTER!

  Chapter 20 A WONDERLAND OF WEIRDNESS

  Chapter 21 METAL TEETH

  Chapter 22 SERIOUSLY SINISTER

  Chapter 23 A LONG, DARK TUNNEL

  Chapter 24 WORMS

  Chapter 25 THE INVISIBLE DOOR

  Chapter 26 THE SECRET CAVE

  Chapter 27 MONSTERFICATION MACHINE

  Chapter 28 SLUG MONSTER

  Chapter 29 MIDNIGHT

  Chapter 30 THE DISAPPEARING SHED

  Chapter 31 DO NOT DISTURB

  Chapter 32 THE LADY IN THE DRAWER

  Chapter 33 A CIRCUS OF STINKS

  Chapter 34 TINY-FEET SYNDROME

  PART THREE: THE ARMY OF MONSTERS

  Chapter 35 THE BOGEY MAN

  Chapter 36 CLOCKBOTS

  Chapter 37 MONSTERS, MONSTERS AND MORE MONSTERS

  Chapter 38 THE SUPERPOWERS OF SNOT

  Chapter 39 DISASTER STRIKES!

  Chapter 40 PICK, LICK AND FLICK

  Chapter 41 THE SHADOWS

  Chapter 42 STUCK TOGETHER

  Chapter 43 GADGET GIRL

  Chapter 44 PREPARE FOR DESTRUCTION!

  Chapter 45 SHOWDOWN!

  Chapter 46 THE MONSTER TO END ALL MONSTERS

  Chapter 47 THE BEAST FROM BELOW

  Chapter 48 CLIFFHANGER

  Chapter 49 BOING! BOING! BOING!

  Chapter 50 A NASTY SURPRISE

  Chapter 51 SOMETHING STRANGE

  Chapter 52 MONSTERFICATION

  Chapter 53 GOBBLED UP

  Chapter 54 VOLCANO

  Chapter 55 METAL SKELETONS

  Chapter 56 THE INKY BLACK SEA

  Chapter 57 THE MONSTER GANG

  ALSO BY DAVID WALLIAMS

  ABOUT THE PUBLISHER

  Deep in the mists of time, far away from the world we know, is an ancient stone castle. The castle is perched precariously on top of a huge black rock jutting out of a raging sea. The rock is a volcanic island. No one knows for sure when the volcano last erupted or when it might again.

  The castle is home to a school. Not just any school. A school where the naughtiest children in the world are sent. It is called the Cruel School.

  There is zero chance of escape. The island is many miles away from the mainland, and the sea surrounding it is infested with sharks – hungry sharks who like to gobble up naughty children in one gulp.

  There are all sorts of horrors at the Cruel School. The teachers are terrifying, the school dinners are revolting and the lessons will give you nightmares.

  So read on, but only if you dare.

  MEET THE CHARACTERS

  IN THIS TALE…

  LARKER

  The hero of our story earned her nickname by always larking about. She just can’t help herself! Larker loves silly jokes, and nothing brings her more joy than making everybody laugh.

  SPOD

  The great big boy at the Cruel School with missing teeth, a broken nose and a cauliflower ear looks terrifying, but he might just be a gentle giant.

  BUG

  The smallest kid at the school, Bug might also be the meanest.

  KNUCKLES

  The girl with the biggest fists has an even bigger attitude.

  DAFT

  This girl seems to be on another planet as she is always saying the daftest things.

  PONGO

  Pongo delights in being the smelliest kid in the whole school – if not the entire world. Everywhere he goes, Pongo is followed around by a stinky brown cloud.

  BOOM

  Boom is a girl who has always got something to say, and she says it REALLY LOUDLY!

  DOCTOR DOKTUR

  The mysterious birdlike Science teacher at the Cruel School has beady eyes, a beaky nose and her cape flutters behind her like wings. Doctor Doktur inspires terror in all the children. Any pupil who is sent to one of her detentions is never the same again.

  GRUNT

  Doctor Doktur’s laboratory assistant speaks only in grunts. “HURR!” One grunt for yes. Two for no. Any more than that and nobody has a clue what he is saying. Not even him. Grunt is completely bald but wears the most extraordinary wig. The wig is a one-legged cat named Fiend that crouches on top of his head.

  MEDDLE

  The spooky caretaker is tall and wide, with a beard that goes down to his belly button. Meddle has the hugest jumbles of keys on his belt.

  PROFESSOR DOKTUR

  Professor Doktur is Doctor Doktur’s elderly mother. She has been the headmistress of the Cruel School for as long as anyone can remember, but the strange thing is that no one has seen her for years. Some think that the professor mysteriously disappeared from the school many years ago.

  RANK

  Rank is the school dinner lady from your worst nightmares. She prides herself on serving up food that children can’t keep down.

  MISS DUNK

  the Cruel School librarian is infinitely more interested in biscuits than books.

  MISS CLOMP

  Clomp is the horrible teacher
from Larker’s original school. She hates Larker with all her heart.

  THE BOATMAN

  The boatman is the mysterious hooded figure who transports children from the mainland to the volcanic island where the Cruel School is situated.

  DIGITS

  The Maths teacher has a metal hand with six fingers on it. Digits has eleven digits in total, but he thinks he only has ten. So, when Digits counts on his fingers to solve a Maths question, he is always wrong. It is a pity for his poor pupils, who have zero chance of getting an answer right.

  MR BLACK

  The Art teacher, with black hair, a black goatee beard and all-black clothes, demands his pupils only paint in black.

  MISS BALL

  The Sports teacher’s games are so rough that afterwards her pupils are sent straight to the sick bay.

  MR BUSH

  The bearded Geography teacher likes to bring the dangers of the outside world inside his classroom.

  MISS GIBBER

  The teacher takes classes in a language that she herself invented, called Gabber. The problem is that Gabber is utter nonsense and completely impossible to understand. Any child taking a test in Gabber is doomed to failure.

  And last but not least…

  WORMS

  The grubby gardener is nicknamed “Worms” as he always has worms in his pocket. He spends most of his time pottering in his shed, talking to no one except his worms. He has spent his entire life at the Cruel School, having been a pupil there before he became the gardener.

  FIEND

  The evillest cat that ever lived, Fiend has only one eye and one leg. However, on the end of that leg is a paw with the longest, sharpest, deadliest claws you ever did see, and she is not afraid to use it. Fiend lives on top of Grunt’s bald head.

  SQUAWK

  Squawk is a pelican that is chained to the tallest turret on the castle that is the Cruel School. The pelican is a replacement for the school bell that broke many years ago. The bird squawks to signal the beginning and end of the school day.

  WORMY

  Wormy is Worms’s imaginatively named pet worm.

  And finally…

  …the

  MEGAMONSTER!*

  *This creature will remain a mystery, for now…

  Many years ago, in a land far away from our own, a long wooden jetty reached out to sea. Our adventure begins one night so still it was eerie. The only light was that of the moon, the only sound the lapping of waves against the jetty.

  Standing on the jetty, silhouetted by the moon, were two figures looking out to sea. One was short. The other was tall.

  The short one was a child.

  The girl was short for her age, but always got noticed for her magnificently cheeky grin. She was wearing an ancient duffel coat over her torn school uniform. Her boots had holes in them. So many holes, in fact, that it would be easier to say the holes had boots in them. She was an orphan.

  The girl’s name was Larker. It wasn’t her real name, but everyone called her Larker, so I will too. Larker was nicknamed “Larker” because she was always larking about.

  “Why did the octopus blush?” she asked, a smile creeping across her face.

  “Not another of your silly jokes, Larker. I hoped you would have learned your lesson!” barked the grown-up. She was the tall one, a teacher by the name of Miss Clomp. Clomp clamped a monocle on to her eye. She had a hairstyle that looked as if it had been created with a pudding bowl and a pair of scissors.

  “The octopus blushed because it saw the bottom of the ocean!”

  “That’s not funny!” sneered Clomp.

  “I think you will find any joke is funny if it includes the word ‘bottom’!”

  “I FORBID YOU FROM SAYING THE WORD ‘BOTTOM’!”

  “‘Bottom’?” asked Larker, her face beaming with a cheeky grin.

  “YES! ‘BOTTOM’!”

  “But, miss, you just said ‘bottom’!”

  “Yes, I said ‘bottom’ but only to tell you not to say ‘bottom’!”

  “You just said ‘bottom’ twice!”

  “STOP SAYING ‘BOTTOM’!” said Clomp, stamping her foot in frustration.

  STOMP!

  The rotten wooden beams on the jetty creaked under her.

  CREAK!

  To steady herself, Clomp slammed her hand down hard on the girl’s shoulder.

  THUMP!

  “Miss?”

  “What now?”

  “What’s the difference between teachers and sweets?”

  “I don’t know and I don’t care!”

  “Children like sweets!”

  “PUT A SOCK IN IT!”

  “My mum and dad taught me that you have to laugh, even in the worst of times.”

  “Well, they aren’t here, are they? So not another word!”

  Larker bowed her head sorrowfully. Every day, her heart ached because her parents were gone forever. That’s why she loved cracking jokes all the time. She knew sadness and didn’t want others to feel sad too. It made her happy to make other people happy.

  Just then a long wooden rowing boat emerged from the fog that draped over the water like a ghostly curtain.

  “Aha! Right on time,” said Clomp, checking her watch. “Every night at midnight, the Cruel School boat comes to collect the latest naughty child.”

  Rowing the boat was a mysterious hooded figure.

  Larker gasped.

  “Frightened, are you?” purred Clomp.

  “No, no!” lied Larker. “Just feeling burptastic.” Then she forced out a little burp. “BURP! That’s got it!” she added, thumping her chest. “No, I am really looking forward to it. I can’t wait! The Cruel School! It sounds such fun! Just one tiny thing?”

  “Yes?”

  “Erm, will I be there long?”

  Clomp grinned ghoulishly. “Just the rest of your life!”

  “I beg your pardon, Miss Clomp!” spluttered Larker. “I think you said I would be there for the rest of my life, and I am planning to live for a long time!”

  “The naughty children used to come back from the Cruel School when they weren’t naughty any more,” replied the wicked teacher. “But now no one ever leaves.”

  “I will have to escape, then!”

  “Escape is impossible.”

  “Nothing is impossible!” said Larker.

  At that moment, the Cruel School boat arrived at the end of the jetty. The hooded figure on board threw a rope out to Miss Clomp. The teacher caught the end and tied it to the jetty. Then the mysterious figure held out his long, bony fingers and grabbed Larker’s wrist. The boatman’s fingers were strangely cold to the touch.

  Thoughts flashed through Larker’s mind of making a run for it, or even a swim for it. But now, with both of Clomp’s hands on her shoulders guiding her into the boat, it was hopeless.

  Larker had never been on a boat before, and immediately felt ill at ease as it rocked to and fro. This feeling of deep unease wasn’t helped by the fact that the boatman’s face remained hidden under the hood. A long, bony finger gestured for the girl to sit at the bow of the boat.

  “So long, Larker!” scoffed Clomp from the jetty. “This is what happens to naughty children who put whoopee cushions on the headmistress’s chair!”

  “For the last time, miss, it wasn’t me!”

  “I know!” replied the teacher with a smirk.

  “How do you know?”

  “Because it was my whoopee cushion!” chirped Clomp, holding up the little red balloon.

  “CLOMP!” screamed the girl. “WHY?”

  “I wanted you and your larks banished from our school forever!”

  “BUT—”

  “This time, I will have the last laugh.”

  With that, Clomp squeezed the whoopee cushion and it made its naughty noise.

  PFFFT!

  “HA! HA!” laughed Clomp. “You got the blame!”

  The boatman gestured for the rope to be untied from the jetty.

  “Let
me!” chirped Larker, her eyes flashing with mischief. She fiddled with the rope before calling out, “All done! And, Miss Clomp?”

  “Yes?”

  “I always have the last laugh.”

  The boatman began rowing away, but the rope was still attached. It yanked hard on the jetty.

  YANK!

  The jetty broke.

  SNAP!

  And collapsed into the sea.

  SPLOSH!

  It took Miss Clomp with it, plunging her into the cold water.

  SPLOOOSH!

  “ARGH!” she cried as she began to scramble back on to the collapsed jetty.

  “HA! HA! I told you so!” hooted Larker.

  The boatman seemed unmoved by all this and continued rowing out into the inky sea.

  In no time, the mainland disappeared into the thick fog.

  A shiver slithered down the girl’s back. Was she going to be at the Cruel School forever? She had to escape.

  Larker had never learned to swim, but she was prepared to risk it. Now was the time!

  The longer she left it, the further she would have to swim back to the land.

  Her heart was racing.

  BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

  She leaped to her feet and then leaped off the boat into the sea.

  SPLOSH!

  “URGH!” she gasped in shock at hitting the freezing-cold water.

  Frantically, Larker began doggy-paddling away from the boat in what she hoped would be the direction of the jetty.

  However, she’d barely had time to thrash around, drowning, when she noticed something powering through the water, heading straight towards her.

  Larker recognised that fin.

  It could only be one thing.

  A shark!

  Larker spun round in the sea, desperate to speed back to the boat.

  “HELP!” she cried, which was a bit rich as she was the one who’d just leaped into the sea.